How being a people pleaser can cause Burn-out!?

Are you feeling guilty when you say “Yes” to someone but at the same time when you say “NO”?

How being a people pleaser can cause Burn-out!

By; Dr. Katherine Iguina

Are you overwhelmed and tired of always pleasing others, giving your energy away and feeling drained at the end of the day or the week?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, it could be that you are prioritizing other’s needs, instead of your own.

Burnout is very common these days, especially in women. This is because usually Women take care of the household, kids, spouse,have a full time job and on top of that, need to exercise and eat healthy. How in the world are you going to do all of these things and not burn out?

The other problem is that, even if we recognize that we need time for ourselves, we start feeling guilty if we say yes to something and no to others. We want to please everyone, but in that process of saying yes to everything, we say no to others. Pay attention to what you are saying “No” in your life and evaluate if it is worth it or not.

Is OK and good to have boundaries in relationships, work, family and friends, but how much can you take without feeling guilty?.

Guilt is a very powerful feeling that can drain us constantly from our energy. It's important to recognize why we feel guilty and why we feel the need to constantly please others or why do you feel that you have to be the one doing everything.

Let's start by defining what makes people pleasing and how we can start recognizing these patterns in our lives and start transforming our behaviors into more healthy ones.

People-pleasing is a behavior pattern in which an individual goes out of their way to please others, often at the expense of their own needs and desires. While people-pleasing can sometimes stem from a desire to be helpful or kind, it can also be a maladaptive coping mechanism for dealing with anxiety, low self-esteem, and a fear of rejection. As mentioned, over time, chronic people-pleasing can lead to burnout, resentment, neglect of oneself well being and a sense of disconnection from one's own authentic self.

Here are some common signs that you may be a people pleaser:

1-You have a hard time saying "no" to requests or favors, even when you're already overwhelmed or have other commitments.

2-You frequently apologize, even for things that are not your fault or responsibility.

3-You tend to put others' needs and desires ahead of your own, and may feel guilty or selfish when you prioritize your own needs.

4-You often seek approval and validation from others, and may feel anxious or uncomfortable when someone is unhappy or displeased with you.

5-You may have a tendency to avoid conflict or difficult conversations, even when they're necessary.

6-You may feel like you're constantly trying to please or impress others, and may go out of your way to be accommodating or helpful.

7-You may struggle with setting boundaries, and may feel like others take advantage of your kindness.

If you identify with several of these traits, it's possible that you may be a people pleaser. However, it's important to note that everyone has different personality traits and coping mechanisms, and there's nothing inherently wrong with being kind and accommodating to others.

The key is to find a balance between taking care of others and taking care of yourself, and to make sure that you're not sacrificing your own well-being in the process.

It's important to remember that you can't control other people's feelings or actions, and you're not responsible for them.

Here are some techniques that can help you avoid feeling responsible for someone else's feelings or actions:

1- Set boundaries: Establish clear boundaries for yourself and communicate them to others. This will help you maintain your own emotional and mental space and avoid taking on responsibilities that are not yours.

2- Practice empathy without taking on their emotions: You can be empathetic and understanding towards others without taking on their emotions as your own. Try to acknowledge their feelings without getting too involved emotionally.

3- Reframe your thinking: Instead of thinking of yourself as responsible for others' feelings, try to reframe your thinking to focus on supporting them instead. You can be supportive without taking on their emotions.

4- Avoid trying to please everyone: It's impossible to please everyone, so it's important to focus on what's best for you and those you care about. Avoid trying to please everyone, and remember that it's okay to say no sometimes.

5- Take care of yourself: It's very important to prioritize your own self-care and emotional well-being. Take time for yourself, practice self-compassion, and seek support from friends, family, or a therapist if you need it.

6- Remember that everyone is responsible for their own actions: Each person is responsible for their own actions, and you cannot control or be held accountable for them. Focus on being a positive influence and supporting others, but remember that they are ultimately responsible for their own actions.

By setting boundaries, reframing your thinking, and prioritizing self-care, you can avoid feeling responsible for someone else's feelings or actions. You can only control your own actions and reactions, and it's important to prioritize your own well-being.

Another way that you can put a stop to pleasing people is by being assertive. Assertiveness means expressing yourself in a clear, direct, and respectful way while also respecting the rights and needs of others. By doing this you can set clear expectations, without being disrespectful and helping reduce your guilty feelings when saying “No”.

Here are some techniques that can help you be more assertive:

1- Use "I" statements: Instead of accusing or blaming others, use "I" statements to express your thoughts and feelings. For example, "I feel frustrated when..." or "I need..."

2- Practice active listening: Active listening involves giving your full attention to the person speaking and responding in a way that shows you understand their message. This helps build rapport and mutual understanding.

3- State your needs clearly: Be clear and specific about what you need from others. This can help avoid misunderstandings and help others understand what you expect from them.

4- Set boundaries: Establish clear boundaries for yourself and communicate them to others. This can help you avoid being taken advantage of or being put in uncomfortable situations.

5- Use positive language: Use positive language to communicate your thoughts and feelings. Instead of saying "I don't want to," say "I would prefer to..."

6- Practice saying "no": Saying "no" is an important part of being assertive. You can say no politely and respectfully, while also respecting your own boundaries and needs.

7- Take responsibility for your own emotions: Remember that you are responsible for your own emotions and reactions. Don't blame others for how you feel or how you react to situations.

8- Practice self-confidence: Building self-confidence can help you feel more comfortable being assertive. Focus on your strengths, and practice positive self-talk.

Try these techniques daily, but remember change is not going to happen overnight. You are accustomed to your old habits of saying “Yes” to everything. This is a daily challenge and you will have days where you are going to feel proud of yourself for standing your ground and there will be other days that you said “Yes” when you wanted to say “No”. This will be completely normal, because it is a process where we are letting go of our old limiting beliefs and learning and embracing new behaviors. Being assertive is a skill that takes practice, and it's okay to make mistakes. Keep practicing and don't give up, and you'll become more assertive over time.

Don’t be surprised if people start reacting to the New YOU, since they are used to you being complacent with everyone. This will be an adjustment period for yourself and those who surround you as well. Expect internal and external conflict, because for any change there has to be a shedding of the old beliefs and behaviors, to make space for the new ones.

Don’t get discouraged if you are not where you want to be at the beginning, remember it is a process and you have done this behavior for years, so it is normal to expect resistance. The most important thing to remember is that you are valuable, your time and well being are very important and that Self Care and Self Love come first.

If you do not have time, love or energy for yourself, how do you expect you will have anything to give to others?

Self Love and Care are not commodities, they are necessities. Start respecting your time and value it. Once you start standing up for yourself, you will start seeing the positive changes you want in your life. This does not mean that you do not care for them, it is just there has to be limitations for what you can do for others, and this is by setting clear boundaries for yourself, family and others.

Remember that it's not selfish to prioritize your own needs and desires, and that you have the right to set boundaries and make choices that are best for you. By practicing these techniques, you can develop healthier patterns of behavior and cultivate a stronger sense of self-worth and self-respect.

Let your light shine and illuminate the path of others to create a better world. Be an inspiration to others by creating positivity and awareness.

If you want to see complete videos on how to avoid pleasing people and how to implement these techniques, I invite you to watch my YouTube channel Journeyofself, Podcast Woman UP!. Download the link for free information that will help you learn how to use these concepts in your life.

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Here are some techniques that may be helpful in avoiding people-pleasing behaviors:

1- Practice self-awareness: Try to become more aware of your own needs and desires, and pay attention to situations where you may be prioritizing others' needs over your own.

2- Set boundaries: Learn to say "no" when you need to, and communicate your boundaries clearly and assertively. This can be challenging at first, but it's an important skill to develop in order to avoid feeling overwhelmed and resentful.

3- Practice self-compassion: Recognize that it's okay to prioritize your own needs and desires, and try to treat yourself with the same kindness and compassion that you would offer to a friend.

4- Challenge your beliefs: Examine the beliefs that may be driving your people-pleasing behavior, and ask yourself if they are really true or helpful. For example, you may believe that you need to make everyone happy in order to be liked or accepted, but this belief may not actually be accurate or healthy.

5- Practice assertive communication: Learn to communicate your needs and desires clearly and respectfully, without apologizing or minimizing them. This can help you to feel more confident and empowered in your interactions with others.

6- Practice self-care: Take time to prioritize your own well-being, whether that means taking a break, engaging in activities you enjoy, or seeking support from friends or a mental health professional.